My oldest niece is getting married tomorrow. I am really excited for her and her future, so I wanted to give her a bit of advice to send her on her way. She is so much like me that it is scary and I know that there wasn't a whole lot that anyone could tell me back then that would have stuck. A smart person learns from their mistakes, a really smart person learns from others. I was bent on making my own mistakes because I had the mentality that just because YOU screwed up doesn't mean that I will. Another variation of that is, Just because it didn't work out for YOU doesn't mean that it won't work out for me. Yeah, I was a hard head. Not a whole lot has changed, really. I can recognize a train wreck in progress and avert my path, which is a newly acquired trick. I was always the one that not only wanted to watch the train wreck, but I either wanted to fix the wreck or ride the train. Yeah. Woo. Hoo. It was my own train wrecks and the forgiveness of my Lord that got me where I am now and I want to make sure that I pass on my words of wisdom if it will help someone switch tracks.
Forgiveness- You have to forgive each other for their inherent faults. But you have to own your mistakes when you make them. Also, forgiveness means to LETITGO! Let it go. Move on. Do not drag it up on every occasion you can. It will just harbor ill feelings. And trust always.
Humility- Humble ourselves or a modest opinion of ourselves. We are human and we mess up. Right on. But, no one person is wrong all the time. Just as no one person is right all the time. Arrogance has no place in a relationship, but trust each other in everything.
Understanding- You will not completely understand where the other is coming from all the time. You were more than likely raised differently and had different experiences growing up. However, using some empathy for each other to try to imagine where the other is coming from might gain you perspective and allow for better understanding. He might yell at you after a hard day at work, but it isn't that he is mad at you. He might have trouble communicating that he is frustrated with coworkers and that yelling at you made him feel better at that immediate moment. Of course, he feels bad immediately after and thus a vicious cycle. Calmly let him know that it hurts your feelings when he takes out his frustrations on you. Understanding why people act as they do diffuses many arguments and most times eliminates them altogether. But trust is important.
Silence- He who holds their tongue holds the power. There are times in an argument that you have reached the pinnacle and there is nothing more to say. Anything more will just fan the flames and nothing good will come of it. This is the point that I just stop talking. No sarcasm (of which I am famous, or is it infamous,) no bitterness, just calmly say, "When we can calm down we can talk again." You will be shocked how much can be resolved when neither head is boiling. Trust is big.
Humor- Um. Humor is daily in my house. Sometimes, most times if I am honest, it is irreverent and crude. But we subscribe to laughter is the best medicine. One out of three kisses is a raspberry. He never knows which one. My cat looking like she is trying to do a much needed sit-up, we think is funny. Regardless of what you find humorous, take time each day to smile and hug each other. Make sure you trust each other.
Agreements- You have to have common ground on which to stand. We agree wrestling is silly, biscuits and gravy are awesome, our kids are to be raised with consistency and in church. We agree that the First 48 and COPS are the only two good reality shows and the FoodNetwork is a best friend. We agree that I am awesome and he is the best man in the world, and that neither of us will ever do better than we have with each other. I trust him with my life and his with me. Trust
Disagreements- There will be many, many, MANY disagreements in your marriage. I disagree that he should eat the chicken skin off the boiled chicken. I disagree that a Glock .40 is better than my S&W .38 Airweight. He thinks that NCAA football is stupid. He likes Seinfeld. The point is, you have to agree to disagree. You have to respect your differences and is what makes us endearing.Trust again
Repect- We are special, each and every one of us. And sometimes that means that we lick the windows. Love is making sure that the window is clean for your window-licker. Respect that we are different and you might not understand what makes the other tick, but understand that is what makes him/her who they are. You want people to respect you and your thoughts/opinions. The Golden Rule applies here; if you want someone to respect you, you must first give respect. More trust
Selective Amnesia- There will be things you know, learn, hear about your love that will bother you. Sometimes this will come out in a fight or someone will insensitively tell you in conversation. Did he get puking drunk on his bachelor party night and you had to fetch him to get him home? Fegetabout it! Once again, these are things that make him who he is and if you love him, you have to love all of him. I personally think that would be funny and punishment enough, but that's just me. The point is, there isn't anyone keeping score. You won't win anything if you do.Yes, trust.
Fighting Fair- When you get into the unavoidable altercation, make sure you follow some very important rules:
- NEVER resort to violence. Beyond the fact that it is illegal, it crushes the spirit in ways words can't. If you truly love someone, you cannot want to hurt them.
- Words should not hurt. Once again, if you love someone, you can't want to hurt them. If you're hurting, tell them you're hurting, but don't say things that will injure so they hurt, too. You just have two people that are wounded and mad.
- Fight about the issue only! Don't drag out the bills, or the unpainted fence, or the dirty socks that never make it into the hamper. Establish the reason you are fighting and see if there is a resolution. Sometimes, you just have to agree to disagree.
- Take a break if it boils over. Boxing has several rounds. Those guys don't just hop into a ring and pummel each other until the other taps out or falls over. If your fight gets too heated, have a designated word or even a bell to ring to have a literal time out. When you both have calmed a bit, you can resume with a much clearer head.
- Hug and tell each other you love each other. You have to know you love each other even when you are so mad you could spit nails. Reaffirming your love is important every day.
Psalms 5:11 Ephesians 1:7 Leviticus 19:18 Joshua 22:5
Psalms 23:6 1 Chronicles 16:34 Samuel 2:6 1 Peter 4:8
My husband and I had our 10th anniversary March 2012. We dated for less than four months before we got married. It was our willingness to work together, our ability to forgive each other, and our profound love for each other that made this work. He is my best friend I have ever had and I trust him more than any human being I have ever met. There are people who say we are co-dependent, and they are right. He knows me better than I know myself and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Our Engagement Photo 2002
Even Happier 2012
No comments:
Post a Comment